4 Months Later

I've been home from Africa for more than 4 months now and thought it was about time for a real update on my life. I'm not sure if any of my faithful blog readers even check this anymore since I have updated so little in recent months.

I have one semester left of college. Two more nursing classes and I'm a college graduate. I have mixed feelings, of course. Part of me is ready and excited to see what the future holds, and another part will be sad to see this chapter of my life end. It's been such a great chapter. :)

I'm planning on spending some time in South Africa this summer. I thought maybe that feeling of wanting to be there more than anything else would go away with time...but it hasn't. I do, however, feel certain that God is calling me to come back to the U.S. at the end of the summer (probably before August since I have several friends getting married in August). I've been praying that He would lead me wherever it is that He wants me to go and that His will would be my will. In the meantime, I'm trying to be patient, not get ahead of myself, and just enjoy the time I have left in school.

"Trust in the the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Merry Christmas

6000 Miles

Most days I do pretty well, but occasionally there are still nights like tonight when I look at my pictures from this summer and I just can't hold back the tears. Sometimes I miss them so much it hurts.

Broken

As I was preparing to spend my summer serving God in South Africa, one of my biggest concerns was that after having had several opportunities to witness poverty and injustice firsthand, I might not be as affected by what I saw and experienced in South Africa. I didn't want to ever feel numb to people who are suffering.

I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to break my heart over the things that break His heart. I hoped that my time in South Africa would help me to understand God's heart for the world rather than just for our country.

I've been back in the United States now for just over a week, and I am certain that God answered my prayers in big ways. I told my family the other day that not only did God break my heart over the people of Africa, he wrecked it. My heart was broken to pieces every single day by what I saw and experienced in South Africa, and I will never be the same again.

Now that I am home, it's difficult to think about anything besides how deeply I desire to return to Africa. I miss the kids at Lighthouse more than words can describe. Some days I almost feel as though I'm mourning the loss of a loved one.

At first I just wanted this sadness and this brokenness to go away. I just wanted to feel normal again. But I'm realizing as it gets a little bit easier to wake up in the United States each morning that I don't want the brokenness to go away. I asked God to break my heart, and I'm so grateful that He did.

My brokenness is a daily reminder to cry out to God on behalf of the people in Africa who are suffering and living in shacks and dying of AIDS and struggling to feed their children. It reminds me each day to be so grateful for all the many blessings God has given me and that I need to be a good steward of what I've been given.

But most of all, it reminds me of the best summer of my life, the summer I spent with my Lighthouse kids, who changed my life more than I ever expected. Those 35 kids have a very special place in my heart, and I left a little piece of my heart behind with them.

I've already checked out plane tickets to South Africa for next summer. I'll just have to wait and see where God takes me next. If South Africa is his plan, you may never see me again. :)

Final Goodbyes

I'm going to miss South Africa so much.

I'm going to miss the mountains and the red dirt and the brush fires.

I'm going to miss the palm trees and the fresh fruit and the beautiful animals.

I'm going to miss being able to watch the news in five different languages and how clearly you can see the stars at night.

Even more so, I'm going to miss the Betzer family, the Lighthouse staff, and the wonderful caregivers and volunteers.

I'm going to miss the awesome people I've met through the Assemblies of God church, the youth group kids, and the people in my Wednesday night small group (who threw me a farewell party tonight!).

I'm especially going to miss the kids at Lighthouse Children's Shelter.

I'm going to miss tying shoes and listening to the same kids' worship CDs over and over and pushing kids on swings.

I'm going to miss answering to "mommy" and constantly having a toddler or two on my hip and chasing kids around.

I'm going to miss working on body parts with Tshepiso and working on colors with Phemelo.

I'm going to miss breaking Grace's sandwich into bite-sized pieces every day and watching Gomotsegang spill her milk all over the place.

I'm going to miss reading bedtime stories to the kids in the Main House and saying bedtime prayers.

I'm going to miss hearing Lebogang screech "MAA MAAAA!!!" from across the property and the way Mpho says "Sa-MAN-ta!" every time he sees me.

I'm going to miss feeding babies and getting covered in baby food daily and using my Tide Pen on my clothes every night.

I'm going to miss Mbali's laugh and Rethabile's two front teeth and Joshua's giraffe slippers.

I'm going to miss knowing how to spell every child's name, how many months old they are, their favorite activities, and what foods they won't eat.

I'm going to miss knowing to whom each and every little shoe belongs and knowing each baby just by hearing their cry.

I think more than anything or anyone else I'm going to miss Karabo whom many of the Lighthouse staff call "Sam's baby."

I'm going to miss her smile, the way she smells, and her tiny little toes.

I'm going to miss the way she sucks on her fingers when she's hungry, her sweet little laugh, and the way she looks when she's sleeping.

I'm going to miss her the way she looks like a baby bird when she eats soft porridge, the way she giggles when I kiss her fingers, and, most of all, I'm going to miss seeing her and spending time with her every single day.

Basically I've been an emotional wreck for the past couple days, and I think I'm just ready for these painful goodbyes to be over with.

Sheila's Adoption

Yesterday I had the special privilege of going on another adoption. Sheila, who arrived at Lighthouse as a newborn and who just turned 2 years old in July, was finally adopted by a couple from Holland. This time Sophie, the Children's Coordinator for Lighthouse, got to be the one to actually hand her over because she has become very close to Sheila.

When we arrived in Pretoria, Sophie fed Sheila a quick snack, and then we met with Eva the social worker at Abba Adoptions. She asked a few questions about Sheila, particularly how well we thought she would handle being left with new people. She also told us that Thabo's new family made it safely back to Denmark last week and that they are all doing very well.

We drove over to the same guest house where Thabo's family stayed, and it just so happened that Sheila's new mom and dad were staying in the exact same room as Thabo's family! Sheila's parents were waiting outside when we parked and introduced themselves to us as soon as we stepped out of the car. They were obviously excited and very anxious to meet Sheila in person!

We walked back to their room and saw that they had decorated it with brightly colored balloons and streamers. Sophie and I sat on the couch, and Sheila sat on the floor by our feet. Her new parents also sat on the floor facing her so that they could interact with her.

Just like before, Eva asked us lots of questions about Sheila's personality and her schedule and her likes and dislikes so that the parents could learn more about her. Eva had their video camera running the whole time so that they can go back and hear our answers to questions again. Lorinda took lots of pictures with my camera and the parents' camera.

I absolutely loved Sheila's new family and cannot believe what a perfect match they are for her. For example, Eva had told them how much Sheila loves the color pink and that practically everything she wears is pink. So her mom was wearing a black, white, and hot pink dress, and her dad was wearing a light pink dress shirt. It was so cute.

Sheila also loves music and clapping out a rhythm and will sometimes even break out into song. And it just so happens that her new mom loves singing and is very involved in church choir. She was so excited when I told her about Sheila's love for music.

After about an hour, Eva told us to say our goodbyes. I gave Sheila a kiss on the cheek and told her to be good for her new mommy and daddy. Then Sophie picked her up and gave her a big hug and said her goodbyes. Sheila's new mom held her as we walked out and started to tear up as she seemed to realize that Sheila was finally theirs to keep. It was such a beautiful picture seeing their new family standing in the doorway waving goodbye.

Sheila was very serious through the whole placement and never laughed or even smiled. But I'm sure that she was confused about what was taking place. She never appeared to be upset and seemed to become more and more comfortable with her mom and dad.

Please keep Sheila and her new family in your prayers as they get to know each other and adjust to their new family of 3.

Things I've Learned (pt. 2)

The following are a few more things I've learned from my time here in South Africa.

- You don't jump rope in South Africa. You "skip rope."

- It is possible for humans and small reptiles to peacefully coexist in the same flat.

- Even with your best attempt at a South African accent, people will still ask you what part of America you come from.

- Never eat an entire can of baked beans in one sitting no matter how good it might sound.

- Dark brown hair dye will turn your hair black (but apparently everyone else besides me already knew that!).

- Many South Africans believe that if Barack Obama is elected president that it will be our country's downfall. (I still don't really understand why they think this.)

- In South African stores, you have to pay a little extra if you want your purchases to be put in plastic bags.

- Taxi drivers interpret stop signs as more of a "tap the brake before slamming on the gas" than an actual stop.

- Many South Africans think they have a lot of cows here. They have apparently never been to the Midwest.

- Pushing 4 toddlers on swings while carrying a 5th toddler on your hip is a really great form of exercise.

- Do not play in a sandbox with a little boy. No matter how sweet he is, he will eventually decide to throw sand at you because he is a little boy and that is what they do.

- You should really try to avoid naming your child Letlhogonolo because I am convinced that it is impossible to pronounce.

- Cheetohs and similar snacks are called "zimbas," and the kids love them (and also usually make a huge mess with them).

- Pacifiers (called "dummies") are absolutely necessary in a room of 10 babies.

- Some plants can live for 5 weeks without water. Take, for example, the one live plant in my flat that I thought was fake like all the others for 5 weeks. :)

Letting It Out

I've been doing so well this past week just enjoying every moment with the kids and reflecting on how amazing this summer has been. I've been trying not to let myself feel too sad about leaving soon because I would much rather feel grateful for the time I've had already and for the short time I have left.

But last night as I was sitting on my couch listening to my iPod, I finally gave in. I was listening to songs that will always make me think of this place and these kids, and I started to cry. Once I started, I couldn't stop, but it felt so good to let it out and have a good cry.

This has been the best summer of my life. I am so grateful that God led me here and that I listened to him. I will never forget what I have learned and experienced here in South Africa, and I know that when I leave on Friday that I will be leaving a little piece of my heart behind. I have become so close to the Lighthouse kids, and I have no idea how I'm going to say goodbye to them.

Please be praying for me this week as I attempt to say my goodbyes to this place and to all the wonderful people I've met here...especially my babies.

R.I.P. Frankie

Yesterday Lewis (age 6) found a dead bird behind a tree and showed it to the older girls and me. The girls named him Frankie after one of the maintenance guys at Lighthouse (named Frank) and decided that we needed to have a funeral for him. Annah, Hope, Dineo, Lewis, Mary, and I all gathered around Frankie as I said a few nice things about him to commemorate his short bird life.

I ran to the office to finish up the project I had been working on, and when I came back outside, the girls told me they had buried Frankie. My first thought was, "Eww, you touched the dead bird?" But it turned out they had just covered him with leaves and sand from the sandbox. Then they had picked some flowers from around the property and laid them on his grave. It was so cute.

Mary

Lewis asked me a little later if Frankie was just sleeping. I explained to him that he might look like he's sleeping, but he actually died and went to heaven to be with Jesus. Lewis wrinkled up his face and informed me that birds can't go to heaven. When I asked him why not, he told me that birds don't believe in Jesus so they can't go to heaven. Such a wise little boy.

A Sad Day in Kanana

Yesterday I went with Pastor Noel and a couple girls from the youth group to the village of Kanana to do outreach like we always do on Wednesdays. We stopped at the AIDS clinic first to drop off donated clothing and food, so that the caregivers can give them to the people in the village who need them most.

Two weeks ago, on our last visit to Kanana, I walked over to the shack next to the AIDS clinic to meet the family who lives there. This shack is the only one near the clinic, and the family was outside, so I just decided to walk over there and say "hello" (or "dumela" in Tswana).

It turns out the mother spoke pretty decent English, so I was able to talk to her quite a bit. She also introduced me to her 3 children, 2 boys and a girl. The older boy and girl were school-aged, and then the younger boy was only 19 months old and absolutely adorable. He had a little toy that played music, and he would bob and sway to the music. It was really cute!

The mother explained to me that only the older boy was her own son. The girl was her sister's child, but that sister had died of AIDS several years ago. The littlest boy was her other sister's child, but that sister was very sick with AIDS and unable to take care of her baby. So here she is living in this tiny shack constructed of pieces of tin trying to feed and provide for 3 children. Unfortunately, her circumstances are not at all uncommon here in South Africa.

Yesterday when we arrived at the AIDS clinic, I walked over to see my new friend and her children. None of the kids were there. It was just the mother. I asked her how she was, and she told me "not good." She went on to tell me that early last week the 19-month-old boy had wandered up to the road, which is right next to the clinic, and was struck by a car. She ran to him and found that he wasn't breathing. From her description, it sounds as though he died instantly.

She cried as she told me what happened and confessed to me how guilty she felt about not watching him more closely. She also told me that she hasn't been sleeping or eating, that it's just too difficult for her. I felt so sad for her and kept reassuring her that this was an accident, that she cannot hold herself responsible for his death.

We also talked a lot about how it's difficult to understand why God allows bad things like this to happen. Before leaving, I gave her a big hug and told her I would be praying for her that God would comfort her and heal her hurting heart and give her his peace.

It was such a great talk, and I know that it was Jesus speaking through me to her. Looking back on this conversation, I have no idea what to say to a woman who has just buried her child, but at the time I was so certain of what I needed to say to her.

Please be praying for this woman and her two remaining children. She is also being evicted from the clinic area and is in the processing of tearing down her shack and rebuilding elsewhere. Please pray for comfort, healing, and peace and also that this situation would ultimately draw her and her children closer to Jesus.

A Minor Accident

Tonight Janis and David hosted a nice dinner for all of us who live on the Lighthouse property as well as the managing staff and Dr. Neil, who is the Chairman of the Lighthouse Board. After dinner when I was helping Janis clean up, someone called me to come quickly into the toddler room. Someone had fallen and was bleeding.

It turned out that Gomotsegang, who is 2 1/2 but developmentally delayed because of her frequent AIDS-related illnesses, had managed to climb out of her crib and fall flat on her face. When I got there, she was screaming and blood was streaming out of her nose. I quickly grabbed the box of tissues and tried to lightly pinch her nose, but she cried even harder and waved her head around to get my hand away.

Plan B was to throw a towel over my shoulder and hold her and rub her back so that she would calm down. I was able to dab at her nose with the tissues to keep the blood from running down into her mouth. The bleeding slowed down when she stopped crying so hard, but she would occasionally start wailing again, and I'd have to go through several tissues to get the bleeding to stop again.

I walked around the bathing area with Gomotsegang and our box of tissues for over an hour until finally she had calmed down enough that Mama Shirley and I were able to put her in her crib to sleep.

I felt so bad for Gomotsegang. She obviously injured her nose and also looked like she was going to develop a nasty bruise on her forehead. This poor girl has already been through so much battling AIDS and tuberculosis and lots of other related illnesses. Please pray for her quick healing and also that her nose will not start bleeding again during the night.

A Special Visit

It's been over two weeks now since Lorinda and I drove to Pretoria to hand Thabo over to his adoptive parents.  The placement went really well, and now their new family of three has had the past two weeks to see the sights of South Africa and get to know each other better.

Yesterday morning one of the social workers from the adoption agency brought them to Rustenburg to visit Lighthouse so that Thabo's parents could see where he's been living for the past several months.  Unfortunately, the adoption agency recently changed the way they do this visit and no longer allow anyone to see or interact with the adopted child.  Instead each parent comes in separately while the other stays in the vehicle with the baby.  I was glad to see Thabo's parents again, but would have liked to see Thabo as well.

Thabo's new mom came in first, and since I was the one who actually handed Thabo over to them, Janis asked me if I would show her around and explain everything to her.  I first took her into the baby room where Thabo lived when he first arrived as an 8-month-old back in February.  She took lots of pictures of the babies and the cribs, and I told her about a typical day in the baby room.

Then we walked over to the toddler room, and I was able to show her Thabo's bed where he had slept for a couple months before being adopted.   Several of the kids ran up to her wanting to play or to be held, and I think she thought it was neat to meet Thabo's friends and playmates.  After taking lots of pictures and looking around for a while, she thanked me and walked back out to the car.

Next Thabo's dad came into the office ready for his tour.  He talked to Janis, Nomhle, and me for a little while about how the adjustment is going and about how Thabo has been making his preferences known.  He was so good-natured when he lived at Lighthouse, but I think he is realizing that if, for example, he refuses to eat what he is given that something else will be placed in front of him.  What a clever little guy!

I showed Thabo's dad around the baby room and the toddler room, and we also peeked into the kitchen and said "hello" to Mama Margaret while she was fixing the kids' morning snack.  He even got to hear the kids pray before eating their snack, which is always really cute.  

Before heading back out to the car, he gave a small box with a bow on top to Janis, Nomhle, Sophie, Lorinda, and me.  He told me it was a gift to say thank you and also as a keepsake from Thabo's new family.  I opened it later and found a beautiful necklace and two beaded bracelets inside.  

After visiting Lighthouse, the social worker was going to drive them past the place in Rustenburg where Thabo was abandoned.  I'm sure that was difficult for them to see, knowing that their son was left there by his mother and later picked up by the police.

Please keep Thabo's family in your prayers as they travel back to Denmark at the end of this week and also as they continue to adjust and get to know one another.  

Starting Solids

This week all the babies who turned 4 months old in July (including Karabo, Christopher, and Amogelang) were started on solid foods. I personally think it seems a little early to be giving them solids. I probably would have waited another month or two, but that is their policy at Lighthouse.

This afternoon I got to feed Karabo her baby food for the first time. It was so much fun. I would give her a tiny spoonful and she'd stick her tongue out to receive the food and shove most of it down onto her chin. I'd just keep sticking it back in there until eventually she ate some.

After she started to understand what was going on, she'd lie in my arms with her mouth wide open like a little baby bird. It was adorable. She'd gurgle and shake her head back and forth with her mouth open wide as she impatiently waited for the next spoonful of food.

I've given Karabo more bottles than I can count in the past few weeks, and every time I feed her I talk to her and give her lots of kisses. She, of course, doesn't respond in any way because her whole face is focused on downing her formula. But today as I fed her porridge and talked to her, she smiled and laughed and waved her arms around. It was really cute, but it also further prevented her from actually consuming her food since she was busy smiling and cooing and not focused on keeping the porridge in her mouth.

I am going to miss my little Karabo so much.

Latest Pictures

Here are a few of my favorite pictures of the kids from this past week! Enjoy!

Amogelang

Sheila

Gomotsegang

Lebogang

Tshepiso

Gracie

Karabo and me

Reneilwe

Joshua

God of this City

I love this song.  We sang it in church yesterday morning, and by the end of the song, I had tears streaming down my cheeks.  This song has so much meaning to me.

I first heard this song (called "God of this City") sung by Chris Tomlin at the Passion Conference in Chicago last fall.  We were singing about our own cities and hometowns...that greater things were yet to come, that we could see God's hand at work.

When I was in Romania serving in the Gypsy village in May, we had music playing over these big speakers so that the Gypsy kids could dance.  At one point, I was walking down the road tromping through the mud and the garbage with several kids holding my hands, and this song came on.  It made me really emotional thinking about all the ways I had seen God working in the Gypsy village and knowing that his work had just begun, that greater things were yet to come.  

Then yesterday I heard the song again at church in South Africa.  Despite all the poverty and the people dying of AIDS and the families living in shacks and the violence and the prostitution and the babies being dumped in garbage piles, despite all that, I can see God moving in this place.  I know He is working here and that greater things are yet to come for South Africa.  I believe that with all my heart, and I know that He will continue to move here in big ways even after I leave.

Test Results

Dr. Neil was unable to come as planned yesterday due to two unplanned surgeries, but he came today instead to do the rapid HIV tests on 4 of our babies. Otilia, the 1-year-old he tested, and my little Karabo were both negative. Praise God! Unfortunately though, both of our new babies, Themba and Thomas, tested positive.

Karabo

Since both of these babies are still very little, this test only indicates that both of their mothers were HIV positive. Babies have a small amount of their mother's blood in their circulation for up to 6 months after birth. Hopefully, they have only a small viral load and their immune systems will be able to fight it off. In that case, they will eventually test negative. But sadly, many babies are unable to fight off the virus and continue to test positive (meaning they too are HIV positive).

Themba

Another New Baby

This afternoon another new baby arrived at the shelter. Thomas is about one month old and not much bigger than Themba, who is 2 weeks old today. Apparently, his mother has been neglecting him and just leaving him by himself, so her family stepped in and got a social worker involved.

I gave him the once over, and he looks very healthy. I didn't notice any signs of abuse, and he even seems to have been properly nourished. It made me sad though that he didn't cry at all when I was checking him out. All the other new babies have screamed and flailed around when they've first arrived and people are messing with them. Thomas didn't make a sound. I kept wondering if it's because he's learned in his short little life that crying doesn't make any difference. It doesn't sound as though his crying would prompt his mother to do something.

Please be praying for Thomas and his family situation. Unfortunately, it is quite possible that he will be allowed to go back to his mother or to a relative at some point, so please pray that God would intervene in these circumstances and provide him with a safe, loving place to live.

Please also say a prayer for Themba and Karabo, who are both going to be HIV-tested tomorrow when Dr. Neil comes to the shelter for his weekly visit. This initial test will determine the HIV status of their mothers since they will each have a tiny bit of their mothers' blood circulating in their bodies until they are 3-6 months old. If the test comes back positive, a baby still may be able to fight off the small amount of virus in his or her system, but many babies become HIV positive just like their mothers. Please pray for negative HIV tests tomorrow.

Hair Update

I'm happy to report that my hair is no longer black. Now it's a really really dark brown. Lorinda took me to see the woman who does her hair today, and she washed it twice with peroxide in an attempt to strip the dye out of my hair. She told me that that would be much less damaging than bleaching it and starting over.

After two washes with peroxide though, she told me it probably wouldn't get any lighter but would still get more dried out with another wash. So we stopped. Lorinda and I were both disappointed with the outcome, so we decided to stop at a hair salon on the way home. Even though they were just closing up for the night, we were able to talk to them about my options.

The woman I spoke with told me she could give me brown highlights to lighten up the overall appearance of my hair. So I'm going in first thing tomorrow morning to have highlights put in. I feel really good about this place, and I am hopeful that my hair will look somewhat normal again after tomorrow. I can't wait!

Bedtime Prayers

Tonight after dinner I walked over to the Main House to help Lewis, age 6, with his homework. Lewis has been seriously ill due to AIDS in the past and has fallen behind the other children his same age. Tonight I worked with him on writing his name since he will need to be able to so in order to move on to Grade 1. He is very good at "L" and "i" but has lots of trouble with the "e" and the "s."

Lewis

After homework, we picked out 2 bedtime stories, a Sesame Street book and a Dr. Seuss book, and I read them to the 5 kids who live in the Main House (Annah, Dineo, Lewis, Mary, and Mpho). Mpho, who is 2 years old, has finally mastered my name, and so a couple times while I was reading, he would cry out, "Sa-MAN-ta!!" It was hilarious. He has such a little personality.

Mpho

When we finished the stories, I herded the kids down the hall to their bedrooms. I tucked Mpho in and kissed him goodnight and then met the older 4 kids in the girls' room for bedtime prayers. The 3 girls got into their beds, and I sat on the floor with Lewis in my lap.

I prayed first, and then each one of the kids prayed in turn. There was some giggling in the middle, and Annah farted really loud while Dineo was praying so that, of course, got them going, but all in all they did pretty well staying serious and quiet.

Mary, who is 4 years old, prayed after me and asked that "Jesus would be in the girls' room and the boys' room and Mama Elsie's room and the bathroom and the kitchen." She also thanked God for Jesus and for the cross. It was a very nice prayer.

Mary

Dineo, who just turned 8 years old, prayed next. Her entire prayer was centered around Janis, and it went something like this: "Please be with Mama Janis when she goes back to America and when she visits her mommy and daddy and when she lives in a different house. And, God, please be with Mama Janis when she visits Brookie and Brittany and Curtis (Janis' two daughters and her son-in-law) and when she flies on the airplane."

At the end of her prayer, Dineo said, "Thank you, Jesus, for giving us eyes and ears and noses...(long pause)...and airports." Of course, there was lots of giggling after that, and I tried my best to remain serious.

Hope, Dineo, and Annah

I love saying bedtime prayers with the kids. I know I'm only 21 years old, but it seems like so much has happened in my life since the days when I was thanking God for giving me eyes and ears and asking him to bless my mom and my sister and my friends. It's a good reminder for me that I've got a whole lot more to be thankful for than I sometimes think about. Tonight when I say my bedtime prayers, I'm going to thank God for the kids and for their faith and for all that they've taught me when I thought I was teaching them.

More Goodbyes

Today my friend Sam left for the airport in Johannesburg. She is heading back to the United States after 3 weeks at a children's hospital in Cape Town and 10 days here at Lighthouse. It has been really fun getting to spend this time with her in South Africa. Here are a few pictures of Sam with the Lighthouse kids. They are going to miss her too!

Seeing Sarah and Charity head home last week and now seeing Sam off today is making me realize just how soon it's going to be my turn to fly home. I'm definitely not ready to leave yet, and it makes me so sad to think of saying goodbye to everyone here, especially the kids.

I keep having dreams about being at home or at school, and at some point during the dream I realize that I'm no longer in South Africa and never got to say goodbye. I had a dream like that again last night. As much as I'm looking forward to seeing my family and friends at home, it is going to be really hard to leave! If I didn't have to go back to college in August, I would definitely consider staying longer.

Addams Family

Yesterday I had the Addams Family theme song stuck in my head all day. I think it has something to do with the fact that I have black hair and look like Morticia. Sam and Shannon, who volunteers at Lighthouse a couple times each week, like the way it looks and think I should leave it. But I am so not adventurous when it comes to my hair.

First thing in the morning I hopped in the shower and shampooed my hair 7 times. No difference. Then last night Janis took me to the store to get some Head and Shoulders shampoo, which Shannon told me would help take some of the dye out. After 12 washes and rinses with the Head and Shoulders, the water in the shower had turned brown, but my hair was still black.

Sam told me today that it looks "almost brown" in the sunlight. Great. I'm thinking it's about time to call in the professionals. I'm actually really proud of myself though for not completely wigging out about my hair. I'm surprised that it hasn't made me cry, and (thanks to Sam) I've even been able to laugh about it and sing the Addams family theme song as we walk across the property.

I'll keep you posted on the status of my hair. Hopefully it will be back to brown soon, so I can look in a mirror again without feeling nauseous.

Hair Emergency

Sam and I went to the store this morning to pick up a few things, and while we were there, we bought some hair dye for me. I've been thinking about coloring my hair a little bit darker brown sometime, and I decided to finally do it.

So tonight after dinner, we set up our hair studio in the bathroom and took the necessary precautions with towels and garbage bags to avoid dying everything in the bathroom dark brown. Sam has dyed people's hair like this several times before, so I had her dye it for me.

An hour and a half later, I had finished rinsing and conditioning my hair and took a look in the mirror. It looked a lot darker than I was expecting, but it was still really wet so I didn't freak out yet. Then after I dried it with my hair dryer, I realized that my hair was basically black! Then I freaked out.

Sam has been trying to help me stay calm by saying things like, "It's probably just the lighting." and "Black totally matches everything." Oh my goodness. I'm currently wearing one of Sam's hats with the hood of my sweatshirt up. That is my plan for hiding my black hair tomorrow, and then I'm hoping to go have it professionally fixed as soon as possible.

Oh man...

Baby Themba

Little Themba arrived at Lighthouse last Tuesday and is 10 days old today. I was finally able to get a few pictures of him this afternoon. Isn't he sweet?

sleeping

eating

Karabo, Themba, and me

Proud

I feel like being here and spending so much time caring for these children has given me a tiny glimpse into what it's going to be like to be a mom someday. I love these kids so much, and I've only known them for 2 months now. I can't even imagine how deeply a mother loves her own child.

Recently I've gotten a taste of the pride that a parent feels toward his or her child. My babies here have been growing and changing so much in these past two months and several of them have achieved new milestones in their development.

Tshwarelo, who is 6 months old, finally started sitting up by herself recently and just this past week started to get up on her hands and knees and scoot like she's going to crawl. I think she's going to start crawling any day now!

Tshwarelo

Rebaona, who turned 1 year old in June, has been standing by himself for weeks now and just took his first steps this past week. He's so pleased with himself, and we're all so proud of him too!

My little Karabo, who is about 3 months old, was lying on her tummy the other day, and she rolled over to her back. I picked her up and squeezed on her and told her how proud I was. Then, of course, I asked all the other volunteers and caregivers in the room, "Did you see that?? Did you see my baby roll over??" Looking back on that moment, I have to laugh at what a mom I'm becoming.

Karabo

I feel like such a proud parent. When I go to the youth service at the church on Friday nights, people ask me how my week was, and somehow my answer always revolves around "my kids." So-and-so got adopted this week, and we got a new baby who is only this many weeks old, and this little girl celebrated her birthday. My life is beginning to revolve around these kids, and I kind of love it. :)

P.S. Thank you so much for your prayers! I am feeling much better today than I was yesterday. Still a little tired, but I was able to spend a few hours this afternoon with the babies and toddlers, and it was so good to see them!

Under the Weather

Thursday night I didn't sleep well at all. My throat had been feeling scratchy all day, but then during the night I started getting congested and coughing. Poor Sam agreed to stay in my big bed with me after Sarah and Charity left, but I'm thinking she's probably regretting that decision now.

I'll spare you all the details, but I've been feeling under the weather since that night and just keep praying that God will at least give me more energy so I can love on the kids this week. Last night I went to bed at 10pm and woke up this morning at 10:30am. Lorinda, Sam, and I attended a women's conference at the church this afternoon, and when we got back at 5:30, I went back to bed for another hour. I just feel completely wiped out.

I also hope to get feeling better so I can visit little Themba. I don't mind being around the toddlers and older babies while I'm sick since they've all had runny noses and coughs and probably gave this to me. But I want to be really careful with Themba since he's only a few days old.

Please be praying that Themba and the other babies stay healthy and that I recover quickly so that I can continue to serve and be a blessing at Lighthouse during my last few weeks here.

Saying Goodbye

Today we drove to Johannesburg to take Sarah and Charity to the airport. After living with me in my flat for the past 2 weeks, they are headed back to Indiana. It was really fun having them here and getting to know them. My friend Sam is going to be living with me for another week, which will make it easier to transition back to living by myself again.

On the way to the airport this morning, we stopped at a big open-air market in Hartebeespoort and did some souvenir shopping. I used my bartering skills and bought something for my sister and something for my best friend Joanna. The people running the little shops and booths were really pushy and would follow you around showing you this and that and trying to get you to stay longer. I already don't like shopping very much, so this was just stressful! I was happy to have made my purchases and be able to just sit with Hope eating banana chips. :)

Besides saying goodbye to Sarah, Charity, and Thabo this week, I also had to say goodbye to William and Lethlogonolo (whose name I still struggle to pronounce). William is 2 years old and went back to social services this week so that he can be placed in a home for children with special needs. He has not been diagnosed yet, but based on the behavior I've seen, I'm convinced he has some type of autistic disorder. Lethlogonolo is just over a year old and went back to his family this week.

William

Please be praying for William and Lethlogonolo as they make these transitions and also that William would be placed in a home where he can get the special care that he needs.

Lethlogonolo

New Baby

While we were gone yesterday, another new baby arrived at Lighthouse. Like so many of the others, he was abandoned by his mother and brought to the shelter by the police.

Themba (pronounced "tem-bah") is only 4 days old and such a tiny little guy. I spent over an hour rocking him this morning, and he looked so peaceful sleeping all bundled up in his blankets. But shortly after I would set him down in his crib, he would begin to cry and squirm around.

All of the recently abandoned babies I've interacted with this summer have done this same thing, and I'm not exactly sure why. After a few days, they seem to realize that they are in a safe place and that being set down does not mean that no one is coming back for them.

Please be praying for Themba as he adjusts to his new surroundings at Lighthouse, and please also pray for his health, particularly his HIV status. The most common reason a baby this tiny is abandoned is because the mother is positive and assumes that her child will be also. But with good nutrition and the right medication, a baby born to a positive mother may possibly convert to HIV negative within the first few months of life.

Pilanesburg National Park

On Monday after Thabo's adoption, Lorinda and I drove into Johannesburg to pick up my friend Sam, who has been down in Cape Town volunteering at a children's hospital for the past 3 weeks. She has about a week left in South Africa and decided to spend them with me here at Lighthouse. It has been so much fun having a friend from home here!

Yesterday Janis and David took Sarah, Charity, Sam, and me to Sun City for lunch and then to Pilanesburg National Park for the afternoon. Pilanesburg is a game reserve where you can drive through and see all kinds of African wildlife. We arrived at about 2pm and drove around until the park closed at 6pm. Apparently around dusk is the best time of day to spot animals.

Shortly after we drove through the main gates, we spotted a giraffe and its baby near the road. We stopped the car and took lots of pictures, of course. We also saw elephants, waterbuck, impala, wildebeest, kudu, tsessebe, hippos, monkeys, one crocodile, warthogs, and all kinds of beautiful birds. God really did an incredible job when he created all the animals!

When we stopped at the visitors' center in the middle of the park, we got to see several monkeys up close on the large open-air deck. We put candies in our hands, and they scurried right up, picked them up with their little fingers, and popped them in their mouths. It was so much fun, and we were able to get some great pictures.

On the way back into Rustenburg, we picked up Nando's for dinner. This was the second time since I've been here that I've had the Nando's pineapple chicken sandwich (called a pine burger), and it was just as good this time! I hope to have at least one more before I come home.

Thabo's Adoption

Today I had the very special privilege of taking part in an adoption. Thabo, who is 13 months old, was adopted by a couple from Denmark, and his placement with his new family was today. Janis had asked me last week if I would be willing to go and actually be the person to hand him over. I was really excited and even skimmed through all of Thabo's records over the weekend so that I would prepared to answer any questions his new parents might have for me.

I went to get Thabo from the toddler room this morning, and all the caregivers said their last goodbyes and gave him lots of kisses. Janis, Lorinda, and I gathered all the caregivers and the other toddlers around so we could all pray together before we left. We prayed for safe travels to Pretoria and for Thabo and his new family. It was a really neat moment.

As we left the toddler room, the kids stood at the door and waved goodbye to Thabo. We buckled him into a car seat in the back of the Lighthouse van, and Lorinda and I left for Abba Adoptions in Pretoria. I sat in the back seat at first and gave Thabo a bottle of formula, and then he slept for the rest of the way while I helped Lorinda with directions.

We arrived at 10am and took Thabo inside the adoption agency to meet with Eva, the social worker doing the placement. We sat with Eva in her office for a few minutes, and she explained how the placement was going to work and explained what kinds of questions she would be asking me in front of the parents.

She also asked me about how I thought Thabo would do with being handed over to new people. I told her that I really thought he would do fine with new people as long as someone was holding him and playing with him. The only time I've ever seen him get really upset is when someone is holding him and puts him down. As long as he is being held, he is a happy camper.

I quickly changed Thabo's diaper in the bathroom, and then we drove down the street to the guest house where his new parents were staying. As I stepped out of the car holding Thabo, I noticed a young white couple holding an African baby. Eva told us they had just received their baby a few days before. They smiled really big at me, knowing why I was there.

We walked up to the room where the door was already wide open. Thabo's new dad was standing in the doorway, and I will never forget the look on his face as he saw his son's face for the first time. It was such a beautiful moment. We walked inside and introduced ourselves, and I sat down on the couch with Thabo on my lap facing his new parents.

Lorinda was in charge of their camera and took lots of pictures throughout the placement, and Eva had their video camera running the whole time we were there. She asked me questions about his schedule, what he eats, what he likes to do, his personality, etc... After a few minutes, I placed Thabo on the floor right next to my feet. His mom and dad were sitting on the floor and started to play with him.

At first he was a little shy, but within minutes he was sitting on his dad's lap playing with a teddy bear they had bought him and laughing as his dad tickled him. Eva continued to ask me questions, and the parents had a few questions for me as well. I also gave them a bag containing his clothes, a bottle and some baby food, and a scrapbook Janis made of his time at Lighthouse.

By the end of the placement, which lasted about an hour, Thabo was smiling and baby talking and having a great time playing with his new mom and dad. A couple times he walked over to me and motioned to be picked up, but I would just turn him around and tell him to go play with mommy and daddy. He would walk back and get interested in playing with them again.

Eva told me to say my goodbyes to Thabo, so I gave him a kiss and a hug and told him to be good for his new parents. His mom held him, and they all waved as we left. It was sad to say goodbye, but I was so overwhelmed with happiness for Thabo that he has a family now and will receive so much love and affection from them. I have never seen him as happy as he was today sitting with his new family and playing and laughing.

Today was a really special day, and I am so honored to have been a part of such an important day in Thabo's life and in their family's life. Please be praying for this new family as they begin the bonding process and adapt to one another.

Carnivore

This morning the Betzers, Sarah, Charity, and I left Lighthouse at 8am to drive to Pretoria for church. We attended Cornerstone Assembly, and Sarah and Charity were able to perform their sign language skills again. The church was predominantly black, so the worship and preaching were quite different from what I am accustomed to. I enjoyed the service, but was a little distracted by how freezing cold it was in the auditorium. I couldn't feel my toes by the time the service was over!

After church we drove into Johannesburg, which is about 30 minutes south of Pretoria, to eat lunch at a restaurant called Carnivore. It was such a neat experience. First, they serve bread, soup, and salads. Then they begin to bring around different types of meat for you to sample. They started us off with pork ribs and chicken wings, but shortly after that we sampled zebra, ostrich, hartebeest, kudu, impala, and crocodile meat!

My favorites were the zebra and the crocodile. Both were very tender and had good flavor. We kept joking that it all tasted like chicken, and the crocodile meat really did taste very much like chicken. The ostrich meat was really tough and took a ridiculous amount of time to chew, so I didn't enjoy that very much.

Since each person's meal comes with dessert, I had a bowl of vanilla ice cream. I love ice cream, but I haven't had much here since it's so cold in the evenings. It tasted so good!

Wall-E

This afternoon the Betzer family, Sarah, Charity, and I took several of the Lighthouse kids to see the movie Wall-E, which just recently came to theaters in South Africa. It was a really cute movie, and I think the kids really enjoyed it.

Movies are much less expensive here (less than 4 U.S. dollars), so each of the kids also got a child-size box of popcorn and a small orange Fanta, their favorite "cool drink." During the first half of the movie, Lewis, age 6, patted my arm about every 5 minutes to ask if I would hand him his drink. Unfortunately, the cup holders were down low where the kids couldn't really reach them. Tshepiso, age 4, was sitting on my other side and would hand me her box of popcorn about every 5 minutes indicating that she also needed a drink of her orange Fanta. I felt like such a mom!

About halfway through the movie after everyone had finished their popcorn and drinks, Tshepiso crawled on my lap and fell asleep. It was like having my own little space heater in the cold movie theater. When the movie was over, I carried her back out to the entrance where she finally woke up.

Janis and David took the kids back to the Shelter, and left Sarah, Charity, and me out at the mall to walk around and shop for a while. Basically we just ate ice cream, walked around, and then bought some groceries at Pick 'n Pay. I was so glad that they are not big shoppers because I definitely am not!

Trusting God

This past spring semester was a challenging time for me spiritually. I definitely grew a lot and learned a lot, but it still wasn't easy. I began to feel uncertain about my summer plans way back in November and started to pray daily that God would just lead me to wherever He wanted me to go. I had no idea then just how much bigger his plans were than what I had planned.

My original plan for this summer was to work as a nurse intern at Mayo Clinic in their neonatal intensive care unit. I wanted that position so badly and spent weeks perfecting my application. Weeks later, even though deep down I think I knew it was coming, I was still devastated to read that rejection letter. I knew in my heart that God had something else in mind for me, something much bigger and much further outside my comfort zone.

It just so happened that the same day I received my letter from Mayo Clinic, the campus ministry I am involved in had a prayer meeting. I know that was not a coincidence. I will never forget holding back tears that night and telling some of my closest friends that God was asking me to trust Him with something really big, but that I didn't know yet what that big thing was. It would be several weeks before God would reveal His plan for me to spend my summer serving Him in South Africa.

Although I know they meant well, it frustrated me that several of the friends I talked to during this time told me to stop stressing out about the future because His plan would end up being better than anything I could have ever imagined. Now the stop stressing part is definitely true. I should have done less stressing and more trusting. But I want to address the second part of this piece of advice because although it might sound nice, I don't think it's entirely true.

Is it true that God's plan is always, always, always better than our plan? Yes! Is it going to be a plan that we like or would ever choose for ourselves? Maybe not. Every time friends would say that to me, I would in my mind think of several options for my summer that I really, really hoped were not part of God's will. Sometimes God asks us to do things that we don't want to do. Sometimes He asks us to remain in a job we don't particularly like or to be friends with a person who is not the easiest to be friends with. Sometimes He allows the people we love to die or allows us to get sick. I believe with all my heart that "in all things God works for the good of those who love Him" (R0mans 8:28), but that does not mean that life is going to be easy all the time.

I have no doubt that God's plan for me this summer was to come serve in South Africa. He has made that clear to me in so many awesome ways. And I am so thankful that after a semester of praying and trusting and growing in new ways in my faith, God's plan was something that I absolutely love. In fact, I can't imagine anywhere I'd rather be this summer than loving on the babies here at Lighthouse.

Back to Freedom Park

Since Noel is back from his family's vacation, we were able to do outreach at Freedom Park again yesterday. I had hoped to blog about our afternoon last night after dinner so that I wouldn't forget anything, but the internet was down. It happens sometimes...kind of like our random power outages. You just never know when it's going to go down.

Usually we all pile into Noel's bakkie (truck) to drive out to Freedom Park, but since we had several more people than usual (including my flatmates Sarah and Charity), we piled into 2 vehicles instead.

We arrived at the AIDS clinic near the entrance from the main road, and Noel set out to find a couple of caregivers who could come with us and translate. Since the kids are still on winter holiday, a whole bunch of kids were playing in the area around the clinic. We waved at them and gave them high fives, and before long we were holding them and giving them piggyback rides and having a really fun time.

Sarah with the kids

Even though none of them spoke English, I was able to use hand motions to explain that my name was Sam. The little girl I spent the most time with was Gatisa. She held up her fingers to show me that she was 6 years old. Gatisa had a big scratch on her right cheek and eyebrow and explained with motions that she had fallen down and hurt her face.

Charity and a new friend

Noel finally found a few caregivers who could spare a couple hours, and we drove across the main road to the government houses recently built in Freedom Park. Families can purchase them for the equivalent of 30 U.S. dollars, but sadly most of the people in Freedom Park can't even afford that small price. The government houses are really tiny - not much bigger than a dorm room or your bedroom - but they are at least made of bricks instead of pieces of tin.

government housing

We visited several families in the government housing, gave them food parcels and blankets, and prayed with the people who are sick with AIDS. More than 70% of the people living in Freedom Park are HIV positive, so there are thousands of people there who are very sick and dying of AIDS.

One woman we met was lying in bed under a heavy blanket even though it was warm outside and even warmer inside her house. She was telling us that the AIDS treatment has been giving her diarrhea and that she can hardly get out of bed because she is so weak. Her husband died (probably of AIDS) last year, and she has 4 children from age 6 to 16. They have no source of income because she is unable to work, so the 16 year old son quit school in order to get a job. Sadly, these types of difficult circumstances are very common in South Africa.

We drove back over to the main part of Freedom Park and visited a few of the government houses built near the shacks. One of the families we visited there consisted of a 14 year old handicapped girl, her young aunt, and the grandmother who suffered from a bad stroke 2 years ago. The mother of the girl died 3 months ago and was finally buried just the day before we visited. The aunt cannot work because she is caring for the girl and the grandmother all day. The girl could be placed in a home for handicapped children, but she cannot because she has no birth certificate or any form of ID. It's a really terrible situation for all of them, and we just prayed that God would intervene.

Please keep praying for the people of Freedom Park. So many of the people are suffering from extreme poverty and disease, and they don't have a lot of hope for the future. Please pray that God would continue to work in these difficult situations and that he would fill their hearts with hope.