Broken

As I was preparing to spend my summer serving God in South Africa, one of my biggest concerns was that after having had several opportunities to witness poverty and injustice firsthand, I might not be as affected by what I saw and experienced in South Africa. I didn't want to ever feel numb to people who are suffering.

I spent a lot of time in prayer asking God to break my heart over the things that break His heart. I hoped that my time in South Africa would help me to understand God's heart for the world rather than just for our country.

I've been back in the United States now for just over a week, and I am certain that God answered my prayers in big ways. I told my family the other day that not only did God break my heart over the people of Africa, he wrecked it. My heart was broken to pieces every single day by what I saw and experienced in South Africa, and I will never be the same again.

Now that I am home, it's difficult to think about anything besides how deeply I desire to return to Africa. I miss the kids at Lighthouse more than words can describe. Some days I almost feel as though I'm mourning the loss of a loved one.

At first I just wanted this sadness and this brokenness to go away. I just wanted to feel normal again. But I'm realizing as it gets a little bit easier to wake up in the United States each morning that I don't want the brokenness to go away. I asked God to break my heart, and I'm so grateful that He did.

My brokenness is a daily reminder to cry out to God on behalf of the people in Africa who are suffering and living in shacks and dying of AIDS and struggling to feed their children. It reminds me each day to be so grateful for all the many blessings God has given me and that I need to be a good steward of what I've been given.

But most of all, it reminds me of the best summer of my life, the summer I spent with my Lighthouse kids, who changed my life more than I ever expected. Those 35 kids have a very special place in my heart, and I left a little piece of my heart behind with them.

I've already checked out plane tickets to South Africa for next summer. I'll just have to wait and see where God takes me next. If South Africa is his plan, you may never see me again. :)

Final Goodbyes

I'm going to miss South Africa so much.

I'm going to miss the mountains and the red dirt and the brush fires.

I'm going to miss the palm trees and the fresh fruit and the beautiful animals.

I'm going to miss being able to watch the news in five different languages and how clearly you can see the stars at night.

Even more so, I'm going to miss the Betzer family, the Lighthouse staff, and the wonderful caregivers and volunteers.

I'm going to miss the awesome people I've met through the Assemblies of God church, the youth group kids, and the people in my Wednesday night small group (who threw me a farewell party tonight!).

I'm especially going to miss the kids at Lighthouse Children's Shelter.

I'm going to miss tying shoes and listening to the same kids' worship CDs over and over and pushing kids on swings.

I'm going to miss answering to "mommy" and constantly having a toddler or two on my hip and chasing kids around.

I'm going to miss working on body parts with Tshepiso and working on colors with Phemelo.

I'm going to miss breaking Grace's sandwich into bite-sized pieces every day and watching Gomotsegang spill her milk all over the place.

I'm going to miss reading bedtime stories to the kids in the Main House and saying bedtime prayers.

I'm going to miss hearing Lebogang screech "MAA MAAAA!!!" from across the property and the way Mpho says "Sa-MAN-ta!" every time he sees me.

I'm going to miss feeding babies and getting covered in baby food daily and using my Tide Pen on my clothes every night.

I'm going to miss Mbali's laugh and Rethabile's two front teeth and Joshua's giraffe slippers.

I'm going to miss knowing how to spell every child's name, how many months old they are, their favorite activities, and what foods they won't eat.

I'm going to miss knowing to whom each and every little shoe belongs and knowing each baby just by hearing their cry.

I think more than anything or anyone else I'm going to miss Karabo whom many of the Lighthouse staff call "Sam's baby."

I'm going to miss her smile, the way she smells, and her tiny little toes.

I'm going to miss the way she sucks on her fingers when she's hungry, her sweet little laugh, and the way she looks when she's sleeping.

I'm going to miss her the way she looks like a baby bird when she eats soft porridge, the way she giggles when I kiss her fingers, and, most of all, I'm going to miss seeing her and spending time with her every single day.

Basically I've been an emotional wreck for the past couple days, and I think I'm just ready for these painful goodbyes to be over with.

Sheila's Adoption

Yesterday I had the special privilege of going on another adoption. Sheila, who arrived at Lighthouse as a newborn and who just turned 2 years old in July, was finally adopted by a couple from Holland. This time Sophie, the Children's Coordinator for Lighthouse, got to be the one to actually hand her over because she has become very close to Sheila.

When we arrived in Pretoria, Sophie fed Sheila a quick snack, and then we met with Eva the social worker at Abba Adoptions. She asked a few questions about Sheila, particularly how well we thought she would handle being left with new people. She also told us that Thabo's new family made it safely back to Denmark last week and that they are all doing very well.

We drove over to the same guest house where Thabo's family stayed, and it just so happened that Sheila's new mom and dad were staying in the exact same room as Thabo's family! Sheila's parents were waiting outside when we parked and introduced themselves to us as soon as we stepped out of the car. They were obviously excited and very anxious to meet Sheila in person!

We walked back to their room and saw that they had decorated it with brightly colored balloons and streamers. Sophie and I sat on the couch, and Sheila sat on the floor by our feet. Her new parents also sat on the floor facing her so that they could interact with her.

Just like before, Eva asked us lots of questions about Sheila's personality and her schedule and her likes and dislikes so that the parents could learn more about her. Eva had their video camera running the whole time so that they can go back and hear our answers to questions again. Lorinda took lots of pictures with my camera and the parents' camera.

I absolutely loved Sheila's new family and cannot believe what a perfect match they are for her. For example, Eva had told them how much Sheila loves the color pink and that practically everything she wears is pink. So her mom was wearing a black, white, and hot pink dress, and her dad was wearing a light pink dress shirt. It was so cute.

Sheila also loves music and clapping out a rhythm and will sometimes even break out into song. And it just so happens that her new mom loves singing and is very involved in church choir. She was so excited when I told her about Sheila's love for music.

After about an hour, Eva told us to say our goodbyes. I gave Sheila a kiss on the cheek and told her to be good for her new mommy and daddy. Then Sophie picked her up and gave her a big hug and said her goodbyes. Sheila's new mom held her as we walked out and started to tear up as she seemed to realize that Sheila was finally theirs to keep. It was such a beautiful picture seeing their new family standing in the doorway waving goodbye.

Sheila was very serious through the whole placement and never laughed or even smiled. But I'm sure that she was confused about what was taking place. She never appeared to be upset and seemed to become more and more comfortable with her mom and dad.

Please keep Sheila and her new family in your prayers as they get to know each other and adjust to their new family of 3.

Things I've Learned (pt. 2)

The following are a few more things I've learned from my time here in South Africa.

- You don't jump rope in South Africa. You "skip rope."

- It is possible for humans and small reptiles to peacefully coexist in the same flat.

- Even with your best attempt at a South African accent, people will still ask you what part of America you come from.

- Never eat an entire can of baked beans in one sitting no matter how good it might sound.

- Dark brown hair dye will turn your hair black (but apparently everyone else besides me already knew that!).

- Many South Africans believe that if Barack Obama is elected president that it will be our country's downfall. (I still don't really understand why they think this.)

- In South African stores, you have to pay a little extra if you want your purchases to be put in plastic bags.

- Taxi drivers interpret stop signs as more of a "tap the brake before slamming on the gas" than an actual stop.

- Many South Africans think they have a lot of cows here. They have apparently never been to the Midwest.

- Pushing 4 toddlers on swings while carrying a 5th toddler on your hip is a really great form of exercise.

- Do not play in a sandbox with a little boy. No matter how sweet he is, he will eventually decide to throw sand at you because he is a little boy and that is what they do.

- You should really try to avoid naming your child Letlhogonolo because I am convinced that it is impossible to pronounce.

- Cheetohs and similar snacks are called "zimbas," and the kids love them (and also usually make a huge mess with them).

- Pacifiers (called "dummies") are absolutely necessary in a room of 10 babies.

- Some plants can live for 5 weeks without water. Take, for example, the one live plant in my flat that I thought was fake like all the others for 5 weeks. :)

Letting It Out

I've been doing so well this past week just enjoying every moment with the kids and reflecting on how amazing this summer has been. I've been trying not to let myself feel too sad about leaving soon because I would much rather feel grateful for the time I've had already and for the short time I have left.

But last night as I was sitting on my couch listening to my iPod, I finally gave in. I was listening to songs that will always make me think of this place and these kids, and I started to cry. Once I started, I couldn't stop, but it felt so good to let it out and have a good cry.

This has been the best summer of my life. I am so grateful that God led me here and that I listened to him. I will never forget what I have learned and experienced here in South Africa, and I know that when I leave on Friday that I will be leaving a little piece of my heart behind. I have become so close to the Lighthouse kids, and I have no idea how I'm going to say goodbye to them.

Please be praying for me this week as I attempt to say my goodbyes to this place and to all the wonderful people I've met here...especially my babies.

R.I.P. Frankie

Yesterday Lewis (age 6) found a dead bird behind a tree and showed it to the older girls and me. The girls named him Frankie after one of the maintenance guys at Lighthouse (named Frank) and decided that we needed to have a funeral for him. Annah, Hope, Dineo, Lewis, Mary, and I all gathered around Frankie as I said a few nice things about him to commemorate his short bird life.

I ran to the office to finish up the project I had been working on, and when I came back outside, the girls told me they had buried Frankie. My first thought was, "Eww, you touched the dead bird?" But it turned out they had just covered him with leaves and sand from the sandbox. Then they had picked some flowers from around the property and laid them on his grave. It was so cute.

Mary

Lewis asked me a little later if Frankie was just sleeping. I explained to him that he might look like he's sleeping, but he actually died and went to heaven to be with Jesus. Lewis wrinkled up his face and informed me that birds can't go to heaven. When I asked him why not, he told me that birds don't believe in Jesus so they can't go to heaven. Such a wise little boy.